Beginning from the End
by iCarlyRox18
Summary: "We spend so much time trying to perfect this concept of love that we just get lost in it, we get frustrated when things go awry, and we forget. We forget that it means cherishing all the great, wonderful times—and working through all the bad ones." Freddie never realized how much one girl and the years he's spent with—and without—her taught him. Rated M for some language.
**A/N: Wrote up another little drabble. (No idea where this sudden inspiration is coming from; it's insane.) For once, it isn't M-rated for sex, just some language, but give it a read? I have a gut feeling you guys might like this one.**

 **(** _Italicized headings are present day._ **Bold headings are past.)**

 _You don't even need a gun_

 _You don't even need a pill_

 _If you ever want to die_

 _Fall in love and you'll get killed_

~ "Hello (Cover)" – Conor Maynard ft. Anth

Ø

 _Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT), Cambridge, MA; April 18, 2016_

 _Sam and Freddie's senior year of college, present day_

Freddie is woken up by the sound of a textbook being slammed shut and his roommate growling in frustration.

"God fucking dammit!" his roommate yelled. "I hate physics," he mutters to himself.

"Probably shouldn't have majored in engineering if that's how you feel," Freddie says in amusement, his voice gravelly.

"Jesus, I thought you were asleep. You startled me."

Freddie sits up in bed, trying to smooth down his mussed morning hair. "Well, I _was_ sleeping. Until someone slammed a textbook shut."

Evan ignores his indirect complaint. "Benson, I'm freaking out. I don't understand this chapter for my physics final, and my grade is already starting to go down."

"Evan, it's our senior year; even if you fail, it's not like they're gonna tear your diploma from your hands at graduation and burn it."

"You don't know that!"

Freddie rolls his eyes but can't help but laugh. Coming into college, he didn't think anyone could be nerdier than him. That all changed when he met Evan Bronston—the anticipated Summa Cum Laude of the graduating class of 2016. The kid was a boy genius. Freddie was used to people calling _him_ that throughout high school, but Evan was something else. It was like talking to a real-life scientist. So he's more than amused watching his roommate and best friend have a mental breakdown the final semester of their senior year. Evan is smart, but he tends to worry too much about a lot of things.

"Evan, relax. You said you don't get one chapter, right? That's not gonna make you fail the entire exam. And they curve it half the time, too."

"Dammit, Benson, just help me."

"And how exactly do you expect me to do that?"

"Teach me."

Freddie recoils. "I'm sorry; I don't think I heard you correctly just now. _What_?"

"Ugh, quit screwing around, dude! Help me with this!"

"Evan. One: you're at the top of the freaking class right now. And two: you _know_ I suck at physics! You help me with my physics homework, I help you with math, remember?"

"Freddie, you're not even as bad at physics as you claim to be! Can you please just see what you can do? Just give me twenty minutes, tops."

Freddie stares back at Evan, wanting to just fall back asleep and be dead to the world for a little while longer. But for whatever reason, he relents.

"Ugh, fine," Freddie says, rolling his eyes again when Evan pumps his fist a bit in triumph. "Just give me five minutes to change and brush my teeth."

Ø

 **Seattle, WA; June 28, 2012**

 **The summer after Sam and Freddie's senior year**

They're out on the fire escape. Carly was in her own apartment, packing for the freshman summer session at the University of Southern California. It was just the two of them: Sam and Freddie. And in just a couple months, they'd be going their separate ways, walking away from everything they've ever known up until this point in their lives. Freddie's leaving at the end of August for MIT, and Sam's going to community college to save up until she can afford to go somewhere bigger.

They haven't said it aloud, but it terrifies them: going through the next four years of their lives without one another. Sam without Carly's apartment to run to after school. Carly without Sam's aggression to protect her. Both of them without Freddie there to listen to their antics and problems. It feels as if they'd been a trio for so long that they were just functioning parts of their everyday lives, like the days of the week. There, but not something you really think about until someone or something points it out to you.

The stars were somehow more visible that night than they ever had been, practically bursting through the devouring blackness of the night sky.

Freddie looked up at it all, feeling reminiscent as he realizes something: the sky is the only thing in his life that hasn't changed at all.

"You ever get scared, Sam?"

"Me? Scared? What are you talking about, Benson?"

He laughed a little. "No, be serious for a sec. Do you ever get scared of… how fast life moves?"

To his surprise, she doesn't hit him with another comeback. He was actually anticipating to be shot down and have the conversation end abruptly, which is usually what happens when he tries to ask her anything serious or personal. Instead, she looked across the way, letting her eyes soak in the city skyline. She was standing right in the middle of it, but she had never missed Seattle so much in her life in that moment. She thinks that's what makes her give him an honest answer.

"Yeah," her voice is faint as she answers, as if scared of what the truth sounds like out loud, in the open. "I do."

Freddie nodded. "Me, too."

That was all that passed between them as they looked out at the city and stars—at their lives. So many memories had been shared between him and this girl, right here on this fire escape. It was the spot of plenty of their best and worst moments. Not even Carly knew about it. Even though Sam would never admit it, this was where they would meet when one of them had a particularly bad day or just wanted to talk. In fact, all they needed to send each other was a simple text reading "Escape," and they'd be there together in less than five minutes, talking and discussing, laughing and crying. It was their spot. Their safe haven.

But right now, they were perfectly content to remain silent, and let the wind do the talking.

Ø

 _Present day_

 _Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT), Cambridge, MA; April 22, 2016_

A couple days had passed since Freddie had helped Evan study for his physics final. As predictable, Evan practically aced it this afternoon. Well, a B-plus. But for that specific professor's class? A B-plus was astonishing.

Freddie shakes his head as he thinks of this. Evan really has nothing to worry about when it comes to a lot of things, and yet…

He opens the door, and he finds Evan sitting on his bed, his head in his hands. But he immediately looks up. Freddie notices at once the pained grimace contorting his features.

"Benson. I'm freaking out again."

Freddie pulls the key out of the door, sighing. "What is it this time, Ev?"

"It's Lauren."

Freddie freezes in his tracks. Well that's new.

Lauren was Evan's girlfriend—his three-year-long girlfriend, that is. It was odd; she was beautiful, but Freddie figured out one day that she looks extremely similar to Gibby's old girlfriend, Tasha. And he hasn't been able to make eye contact for more than five seconds with her before getting weirded out ever since. It makes Lauren think he's just shy. Little does she know: he's just trying to get the image of shirtless Gibby out of his head.

"What's wrong? What happened?" Freddie asks, sitting down on his own bed across from Evan. "Did you guys…?" He's afraid to say it out loud.

"No, we didn't break up, if that's what you're asking," Evan responds. He rubs his hands nervously up and down his jean-clad thighs. "That's just it, though. I don't _know_ what's wrong. She just hasn't talked to me in three days."

"Well, what did you say to her the last time you did talk?"

"Nothing! Just a normal conversation; we were talking about stuff we could do over the summer, internships, vacations, job applications, you know, the works."

"Did she seem upset at anything you were saying?"

"No," Evan shakes his head, albeit hesitantly. "I mean, not that I remember. I can usually tell when she gets upset, though. And she didn't give any indication that she was upset, not really."

"Okay. Well, then I guess I wouldn't get too worried. Sometimes people need their space every now and then."

"But she's never done this before in the past three freaking years we've been together!" Evan protests.

"Evan, Evan, breathe," Freddie tells him. "Relax. Let's just talk this out." Freddie waits as Evan closes his eyes, steadying his breathing. "Okay. She hasn't talked to you since then? Not even a text?"

"No, not even a phone call, Facebook message, nothing."

"And there's nothing that you might have said or done in the past couple weeks that could've brought this on?"

"No," Evan starts to explain but then hesitates. "Wait, yes." Evan closes his eyes, pressing heels of his palms into them. "Shit."

"What?"

"A week or so ago," Evan explains, his head in his hands once again. "We kind of… got into a fight."

"About what?"

"Just… about our future, I guess? I mentioned something small about our future house, and she just blew up on me. Asking me if I understood that she still needed to go to graduate school, that she needed to pay off her student debt, find a good-paying job, all this stuff that I already knew," Evan shakes his head, clearly looking back on it. "I don't remember what I said exactly but all I do know is that it set her off."

Freddie nods, taking all of this in before responding.

"Evan, it's likely because she's just scared. It's natural. I think we all are, really. C'mon, we're _graduating college_ in a couple weeks. Isn't that insane? It feels like just yesterday we were only just getting out of high school, and now we're here and we need to figure out where we want to go from this point onwards. That's fucking intimidating. It should be terrifying, actually."

"I don't know, Freddie, it's just…" Evan shakes his head, and Freddie can see tears beginning to layer in his eyes. "God, you're right. College is almost over. We're finally going to be real, functioning adults. But it's just… some days it's like I can feel her slipping away from me, you know? And I don't… I don't know what to do. I've just never felt so _helpless_ …"

His voice chokes up on the last word, and he covers his face with his hands, scrubbing them downwards to discreetly push back his tears. He sniffles slightly, running his hands through his hair.

"Could you just… tell me that it'll be okay?" Evan says almost desperately, his eyes practically pleading with Freddie. "I can't even imagine what it'd be like without her here…"

Freddie just sighs, staring back at his friend. Freddie's had his own fair share of relationships—though none of the ones he's had in college so far had come close to his last high school relationship. Freddie dips his head and fixates his gaze on the floor, preparing himself for what he's about to say.

"Listen, Evan. I, uh… I really wish I could tell you that, you know, that it'll be okay. I really do. But if I'm being honest with you—and myself—there are no guarantees when it comes to loving another person. I would love to tell you that everything will work out fine—that you and Lauren will transcend time and space, get married, have a house and kids and all that, but," Freddie shrugs his shoulders, "what if it doesn't? What am I supposed to tell you after that?"

Freddie takes a breath, gathering his thoughts.

"Love is a lot about knowing when to say goodbye. It's a lot about… learning that it's okay to let go, to move on. When close relationships die, that's a sad thing. God, sometimes it's… one of the worst experiences of our lives. It's brutal. But at the same time, I think there's something really vital in learning what life is like without that other person. It's a time to look back on what's happened between the two of you—the way you grew, loved, communicated, everything. We spend so much time trying to perfect this concept of love that we just get lost in it, we get frustrated when things go awry, and we forget. We forget that it means all the great, wonderful times—and working through all the bad ones."

His gaze drifted to the side of the room, where a package of Fat Cakes lay on his friend's unkempt desk. He keeps his eyes there for a prolonged moment, then shakes his head, looking away from it.

"Personally, I have a lot of regrets when it comes to one of my old relationships. But… somehow, I like the cards I've been dealt. I learned from it, and I was the better for it. And admittedly, some days I look back, and it hurts me. To know that I didn't even really do much to save things between us. And it just… sucks because I think that a part of me still loves her, because some days I see something, and my mind just points at it and yells at me, 'Remember that!' And every moment I shared with her—every smile I got out of her, every glare—just comes barreling back towards me. _Life_ just… reminds me of her. It took a long time for me to admit that, but… there's something so relieving behind just accepting the way you feel even after the fact."

He pauses for a moment, suddenly feeling his own tears beginning to prod at his eyes, but he forces them back, closing his eyes as he finishes his spiel.

"I know what it feels like to actually lose someone you love, Evan. And I'll tell you this: it isn't all bad. Sure, the days feel less bright right after, but you learn to use your best memories with that person to get the light back. Just… whatever happens, you'll live. And somewhere down the road, you'll learn that things worked out for the best."

Freddie looks down at his hands, which he realizes have been fiddling with themselves the entire time he'd been speaking, and he's suddenly conscious that he's rambled—and has probably said too much than was necessary. He shakes his head, mostly at himself.

"I'm sorry, Evan, I—"

"No," his friend immediately stops him, his expression one of fascination, appreciation. "Freddie, that was… really genuine. Really great advice. Thank you."

Freddie purses his lips in somewhat of a smile. "You're welcome, man. I hope you'll figure things out with Lauren, but just, um… remember what I told you, alright? Life goes on."

"Yeah," Evan nods. "Yes, of course. Life goes on…" he repeats the phrase absentmindedly. "Alright, well. I have class in," he checks his watch, "fifteen minutes, crap." He gets up, grabbing his backpack and keys. He's about to leave but stops right before he closes the door behind him. "Hey, Freddie?"

"Yeah?"

"You give really great advice—God knows how many times I've consulted you in the past three years—but I think I want to give you some of my own," Evan says to him. He waits a beat. Then: "Find her, okay? I've never seen anyone talk about another person like the way you did just now. Not even myself. You said you had regrets—why not learn from them?"

With that, his friend shuts the door, and Freddie just stares at it, motionless.

 _Why not learn from them?_

Abruptly, he gets up and stalks over to his PearBook, practically whipping it open.

He's going to do just that.

 **A/N: Sooo… I'm not even sure why I wrote this, to be honest. lol. There aren't many people still following iCarly fanfiction anymore, but I thought up this little gem because it kind of feels like after iGoodbye (which was awful, terrible, probably the worst way to end the show ever and had me so frustrated and admittedly angry at Dan), no one really wrote anything that continued it—or at least touched upon what might have happened between Sam and Freddie when they transitioned into adulthood. And it sucks because a continuation of their story would be so fascinating.**

 **I may or may not continue this; the inspiration just has to be there. Let's hope that it will be. I kind of like the potential this one has.**

 **Leave a review! Would love to catch up with all of you again; your response to my recent SWBTEOM update was delightful. Thank you for all the kind words. I almost forgot how much I love this fandom.**


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